She was.


It's been a very difficult few weeks for our family. It's actually been difficult for a while now-we just didn't know how much more it would be. I have been struggling to make sense out of what is. My Nanny, whom I love so so dearly, is dying of cancer. Those last four words are so harsh. I've gone through many stages of grief in the past couple weeks since learning about her fast declining health. See, she was receiving treatments and progressing well. She was feeling better and had more energy. There were days with ups and downs, but for the most part, she was getting better.

I talked to her Friday, January 27. She was on her way from an appointment. We made small talk about my kids and how she was feeling. Little did I know that this would be the last time I would talk to her while she was coherent. If only I knew that was the last time I talked to her, I would've talked longer, said more-dwelled with her for just a little longer. But we never know.

She was taken to the hospital on Sunday because of excruciating pain. She had pain in her head and the doctors did not understand why. They ran tests, but concluded that her body was shutting down from the cancer. Just like that.

I've never lost someone so close to me. I had a relationship with her much like the one I have with my mother. I talked with her on the phone almost daily. I didn't realize how woven she is into my life. She has never even visited me here in Arkansas, but she is everywhere in my house. She is in my children's books, toys and clothes. She is in my attic with the huge box of fabric she gave me when I graduated college. She is in my filing cabinet-her loving words written in many cards for birthdays, Christmas and even Easter. She is everywhere. Lately, everything I see reminds me of her somehow.

I had a very difficult time dealing with the grief of losing her. Even as I type those words-it doesn't seem real. In my mind, she is just very sick and will be better eventually. But eventually is never and I have come to terms with that. I am embracing who she was in my life and hoping she knew it. Her love was one of the best things that happened to me in my life and I am just so thankful I was able to be blanketed in it for so long. Twenty five years is a long time. I have so many funny, exciting, loving memories that cloud my mind. I am blessed to share this legacy of my Nanny-Joyce Jean Heckart. She was amazing. I will always love her so much. The hurt is so so deep right now and fresh. I know with time, it will dull a little and I will learn to just carry on with life. There will be a huge gaping hole in my life where I can't see or talk to her anymore here-but I have hope in the future that I will see her again. She won't be in pain. She'll be just as loving and sarcastic, but free from the constraints of her body that was here on earth.

I will get used to a disconnected phone number-where she was always on speed dial-but leave her name on there just a little while longer. I'll keep replaying the loving voicemails she has left me-calling me by my nicknames and telling me how much she loved me. I'll read her birthday card she sent me for my birthday last month-even though she was so worried I would be offended it was a week late because she had been in the hospital that week. I will cherish the emails she took the time to write to me-even when I was a teenager and was selfish, she still told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. The hurt is deep. Real deep. But my Jesus can fill that void of pain. It's just going to take some time.

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