Sleeplessness and a college grad

It's been quite the sleepless week around the Golden house. Poor Paxton has developed allergies already-probably because it's March and everything is already in mid May bloom. He is so stuffy that it has totally messed up his sleeping pattern. Where he was down for the night by 8 and wouldn't wake up until 5 am, he is having issues going down for the night and sleeping in stretches longer than 4 hours. I have to suction him out 2-3 times a night! He is wide awake in the middle of the night. He has trouble eating because of how stuffy he is. His 4 month appointment is on the 28th, so if he is still having issues-I'll talk with the Pediatrician.

I have been doing a lot of reading on establishing a more solid bedtime routine for the other two kiddos. We were very rigid with Malachi. We were kind of tough with Haly (it helped that she has always been a great sleeper). Somehow, they still get up in the middle of the night quite often! I am sure that once Malachi starts preschool this fall-he will be exhausted and sleep so much better. I have a feeling that his poor sleeping tendencies have to do with his energy level and not being able to exert as much energy as he needs here at home. While there are plenty of things to keep his mind busy, he needs more physical exhaustion as well. This fall, he is going to be playing soccer and I think that will really help! Halynd usually sleeps through the night. If she happens to wake up, she will either console herself or climb in bed (on Donovans side :) with us until it's time to wake up.

In better news, Donovan has officially become a college graduate! He just recieved his final grades yesterday and did quite well! I am so proud of him. It's been tough finishing out college with a family. How crazy it is that priorities switch when your children come along. We went from being so focused on getting a degree in college to focusing on our kids in the blink of an eye. We hadn't planned on having any children until after college, but that was not the plan for our life together :) He will receive his Bachelor of Psychology degree. There were many late nights, frustrating tests, chapters upon chapters of reading and so much more. I'm so proud of him for all the hard work he's done to get to this point. Now, on to a Master's Degree ;)

The hard knocks of being a skeptic

I'm such a skeptic. It's who I am. I have an almost impossible time believing something is truth if I haven't experienced it myself first hand. This skepticism plays out everywhere. Sometimes I wish I weren't wired like this. Have you ever wished you weren't wired a certain way? It's truly a set up for failure. Instead of having the ability to learn from others, I am stuck in limbo between wanting to believe the validity in someone elses experience and having to experience it myself. It's not that I'd necessarily prefer to not believe, it's more that I must develop my own perceptions. Hands on experience.
I have had many friends who have lost a loved one. I could never understand their depth of hurt or pain. Although I felt sad for them, it goes much deeper than that. That person is no longer a phone call away. All the plans you had with them are ruined and the time it took to dream up those plans, wasted. What's left are the memories of them. You do not realize how tightly someone is woven into your life until they aren't there to weave themselves in anymore. I am left thinking about her all day long. Mostly happy memories. Sometimes they turn into sad ones because I can't just call her up and say, "Hey, do you remember when...". Still, even the shampoo and body wash I use take me back to being a 6 year old little girl, getting my hair washed by my Nanny-with the very same shampoo.
People say that it gets easier. I'm not so sure if I believe them. It's gotten easier not to cry because of the pain of missing her. Mostly because I think I have dried up my tear ducts for at least a year. It's easier to remember all the lovely memories I have, since my mind isn't over crowded with a fresh sense of loss. My throat is still usually tight-from using all my might not to be overcome with emotion when I hear a song she used to sing or see a White Chevy Lumina, or a maltese....
Malachi informed me about a week ago that "his grandma died". Indeed, she did-but where did he hear this? Him and a friend were talking about it. He is way more perceptive than I imagined. He understands death in shallow ways-like his lizard dying, or someone dying on television. I know the time will come when he will have to experience gut wrenching loss. Although I will most definitely pray that my children are protected from this pain, I know it is inevitable. Blame it on sin. Blame it on the cycle of life. Blame it on whatever-death is inevitable.
Will the pain of losing her get easier? I don't think so...but some say it does. But I'm a skeptic, so I kind of don't believe it. There's this space in my heart...and it's just full of memories now. It's not alive anymore. I miss it being alive. Nothing will ever be able to fill it. Just a gaping hole-a wound. Will it ever heal? I guess time will tell.

She was.

It's been a very difficult few weeks for our family. It's actually been difficult for a while now-we just didn't know how much more it would be. I have been struggling to make sense out of what is. My Nanny, whom I love so so dearly, is dying of cancer. Those last four words are so harsh. I've gone through many stages of grief in the past couple weeks since learning about her fast declining health. See, she was receiving treatments and progressing well. She was feeling better and had more energy. There were days with ups and downs, but for the most part, she was getting better.

I talked to her Friday, January 27. She was on her way from an appointment. We made small talk about my kids and how she was feeling. Little did I know that this would be the last time I would talk to her while she was coherent. If only I knew that was the last time I talked to her, I would've talked longer, said more-dwelled with her for just a little longer. But we never know.

She was taken to the hospital on Sunday because of excruciating pain. She had pain in her head and the doctors did not understand why. They ran tests, but concluded that her body was shutting down from the cancer. Just like that.

I've never lost someone so close to me. I had a relationship with her much like the one I have with my mother. I talked with her on the phone almost daily. I didn't realize how woven she is into my life. She has never even visited me here in Arkansas, but she is everywhere in my house. She is in my children's books, toys and clothes. She is in my attic with the huge box of fabric she gave me when I graduated college. She is in my filing cabinet-her loving words written in many cards for birthdays, Christmas and even Easter. She is everywhere. Lately, everything I see reminds me of her somehow.

I had a very difficult time dealing with the grief of losing her. Even as I type those words-it doesn't seem real. In my mind, she is just very sick and will be better eventually. But eventually is never and I have come to terms with that. I am embracing who she was in my life and hoping she knew it. Her love was one of the best things that happened to me in my life and I am just so thankful I was able to be blanketed in it for so long. Twenty five years is a long time. I have so many funny, exciting, loving memories that cloud my mind. I am blessed to share this legacy of my Nanny-Joyce Jean Heckart. She was amazing. I will always love her so much. The hurt is so so deep right now and fresh. I know with time, it will dull a little and I will learn to just carry on with life. There will be a huge gaping hole in my life where I can't see or talk to her anymore here-but I have hope in the future that I will see her again. She won't be in pain. She'll be just as loving and sarcastic, but free from the constraints of her body that was here on earth.

I will get used to a disconnected phone number-where she was always on speed dial-but leave her name on there just a little while longer. I'll keep replaying the loving voicemails she has left me-calling me by my nicknames and telling me how much she loved me. I'll read her birthday card she sent me for my birthday last month-even though she was so worried I would be offended it was a week late because she had been in the hospital that week. I will cherish the emails she took the time to write to me-even when I was a teenager and was selfish, she still told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. The hurt is deep. Real deep. But my Jesus can fill that void of pain. It's just going to take some time.

If you love someone...

I am having a very tough day. My head is pounding. My heart is breaking. I keep thinking about the last time I visited my Nanny. She still lived in Maryland, in the same house since I was born. Married to the same good ol' guy-Charlie-who is an awesome grandpa. The last time I got to visit with her was over two years ago.

My childhood family gatherings on my mothers side were always at my Nanny & Charlie's house. I remember only a few occasions where we got together at one of my Aunts to BBQ and swim. Superbowl parties (go Cowboys-because the Ravens were around until 2000), Holiday gatherings, cookouts and just plain old hang out BBQ's. I have so many lovely memories of my family all together just celebrating love, friendship, and, of course, horseshoes & food. I still have the smell of their house locked into my memory.

I sometimes catch a whiff of that certain scent and my mind is taken back to the blue and white chairs in my Nanny's kitchen. The tv in the corner with soap operas, the news or wheel of fortune playing. The candy jar with Reeses' peanut butter cups. The red Kitchen Aid mixture on the counter. My certain bag of Milano cookies-just waiting for me to devour them. The living room that had white carpet and beautiful blue couches. They always had a different scene in their front window for Christmas time. Their house was not big at all, but in my mind-it was huge. I'm not sure how many times I went there in my 13 years (almost 14) living there, but my mind is flooded with mostly memories from being there. With my sister in their "angel bedroom" playing cards late into the night. In the basement, hiding behind the sectional where we put lots of blankets for a fort. Swinging and climbing trees in the backyard. Visiting the neighbors and riding up and down the street on tricycles and bicycles. Hanging out with my 13 cousins. Aunts and Uncles. Friends.

My childhood holds sweet, sweet memories of my Nanny's house. This is mostly because of who my Nanny and Charlie are. They are kind & loving-and it overflowed into their home and into my life. Shopping trips, jamming out to the "Cocomo song", smelling her perfume, going out to lunch. I am so thankful for them being in my life. I would not be who I am without them.

If I knew that a little over two years ago would possibly be the last time I was able to spend with them-I would've lingered a little longer. Like the scent of my Nanny's perfume that is always on my mind. I would've cherished every single second. I would've taken the exit one last time on the way out of town. I am so thankful that I have these memories of her. And so heartbroken that distance and money keep people who love each other dearly from seeing each other and being there when one is in need.

If you love someone...always make sure they know how much. Like-really-just how much. Because you never know when the last time you'll be able to spend with them. Savor those times with ones that are precious to you-even if you think- "There's always tomorrow" --because sometimes--there just isn't.

Sometimes it takes a reminder to savor moments

Life is busy. Sometimes it just feels like I am "getting through" the day. I have little time to myself and hardly manage to take a shower. In fact, I woke up Donovan this morning when (for the third day in a row) Paxton woke up before my alarm and wouldn't go back to sleep just so I could hop in the shower.

The kids usually wake up at 7:15...no matter if they went to bed at 8 or 11 and want food, drinks, comfort, cartoons. Immediately "mommy mode" takes over and I begin changing pullups, dressing kids for the day, making cereal....now they want oatmeal, someone wants chocolate milk, someone wants juice, and the fit that comes from the fact that we are all out of strawberries....deal with the fit, (try not to) get frustrated. I haven't had time to take a shower, change out of my pajamas, eat breakfast...let alone brush my teeth.

But this strong mommy desire over takes my mind and I want my kids to be comfortable...and quiet :)

I've been in a slump for a couple weeks. It probably has to do with the fact that I am a little overtired from being woken up 3 times a night. Or that I want to spend time with Donovan, so I may occasionally (okay..frequently) stay up too late catching up on tv shows. I've hardly managed to shower and change into clothes other than clean yoga pants and a t-shirt (what most would accept as fancy pajamas). Or maybe it's those high energy kiddos that rarely get to go outside because it's sprinter (spring and winter...sometimes it's 65, then it's 19) and burn off some energy. Or possibly because of the fact that I am OCD about keeping my house clean....and that is near impossible with so many kids, so I am go go going. :) I constantly day dream about working out and getting back into shape.

I've slacked a TON with keeping up with reading the Bible and praying lately. It seems like I am going ALL day and am exhausted at night. Donovan keeps encouraging me to go through Prof. Horner's Bible reading plan on my Iphone app. You read 10 chapters a day and it keeps track of everything for you-where you left off, what to read next...etc. Due to being so tired and busy all day, I've managed to push aside my relationship with Christ and feel so convicted.

I've also slacked on my attitude. I've been SO negative. I have had such a bad attitude about things in general. A cup half empty sort of demeanor. Ya know-the kind you don't want to hang around. I haven't been very fun :) This afternoon while the kids were laying down for their naps, I was catching up on some blogging-I was reminded how this time in my life is only a season. Paxton was our last newborn baby and we won't be doing the 3 am feedings anymore. In fact, he's already past that point. Halynd will never be 21 pounds again. I don't need to puree Malachi's carrots anymore-he eats them whole with ranch. If my kids are hungry or thirsty-they open the refrigerator and bring me what they want. I look forward to the first time Malachi tries to make his own bowl of cereal or when Halynd tries to cut her hair while she cooks bacon (not that I ever did THAT) or when Paxton starts eating at the table with us. Even when the three of my kids start playing together.

The blog I mentioned is about a mother of two who lost her sweet baby girl when she was only two days old. I can't imagine the heartbreak. I was reminded that this "stuff" God has blessed me with-my family- is what it's all about. It's all about being thankful for my family and living in opportunities to spend time with each other and teaching them to honor God. Be it pouring juice in a sippy cup, doing laundry or cooking dinner- I have a ton to be thankful for. I have a lot to look forward to. Sometimes it just takes a reminder not to just "get through the day" but to savor the precious moments of life.

Two months!

I cannot believe how fast these past 2 months have flown by. I think the holidays come and go and it makes time seem to move a lot faster.

Paxton had his 2 month check up on Friday. He is doing very well!
Weight: 13 lb 4 oz.
Height: 22.5 inches
Head: 40 cm (15 inches)
Clothes: 0-3 month and some 3-6 month
Food: eating about 4 oz every 3 hours (sometimes 2.5)

Some things I want to remember about him at 2 months:

• He sleeps for about 6 straight hours at night. He started sleeping from 10-4 at about 7 weeks. He wakes up to eat at 4 and then goes back down for 2.5-3 more hours.
  
• He is loving bath time. I lowered his bottom part of the sling so that his body and legs are almost covered in water. He loves the water to be pretty warm-almost hot.
  
• He started talking to us. His most talkative times are in the morning after sleeping all night.
  
• He loves to stand with us holding him under his arm pits.
  
• He has great neck control but doesn't want anything to do with tummy time. We introduced the Bumbo this week.
  
• He likes to sit in his bouncy seat and watch the kids play or the dog walk by. He just noticed Bug this morning and his eyes lit up. He started "talking" to Bug and waving his arms :)
• He is still liking the swing. Although it is starting to squeak when he is swinging in it :) I'm not sure if it's because of how much he weighs or if the swing has just had it. It's been through 4 years of baby.
  
• He likes sleeping on his stomach. I was extremely paranoid at first (and still kind of am), so every little noise he made at night woke me up.
  
• He is a thumb sucker. I am sure he likes sleeping on his belly because he has better access to his thumbs. I have tried every binky possible, but he just isn't having it.
• He learned to smile at about 6 weeks and loves engaging your eyes to flash a nice big smile.
  

Paxton,

I cannot believe you are already two months old! You have been since birth and still are such a sweet baby boy. I am not exaggerating when I say you are the sweetest baby I've ever met. I would do anything to work for a little smile from you. Your blue eyes light up when you talk to us and we just love to listen. I am excited to watch you grow and learn. You've already grown so much. Love you sweet boy!

Mommy

Mary's Labor

I know that the actual day of Christmas is not really Jesus' birthday...but it is when we celebrate. I cannot help to think about how Mary and Joseph were feeling at this point. Mary, undoubtedly very uncomfortable in her pregnancy, knew who she was about to labor into this world. Joseph was probably so excited, but nervous. I mean, he was going to be the earthly father to the King of all Kings, Creator of the universe...seems a little intimidating! Mary's labor was not miraculously pain free. She couldn't rely on the medical technology we have now. She endured labor to birth Jesus. And into a barn. Where there are animals roaming. I'll bet it probably smelled, was cold and rather uncomfortable. We're not talking Mercy Hospital-all the cranberry juice you could ever desire. Delicious meals. Someone to change her soiled cloths.

The Savior of the world was born as a helpless little baby. He relied on Mary and Joseph to feed him. To keep him clean. To love him and nurture him. To teach him important skills in life-walking, talking.

I want to remember this point with Paxton. He requires a huge amount of care. He cannot care for himself! And who am I to be his mother? He would wallow in hunger, dirty diapers and loneliness if we did not take care of him. He does not talk or feed himself. We only know he is hungry when he cries and tries to eat his own hand. We know he is dirty when he is smelly, so we change him. We comfort him when his belly is upset. I cannot even begin to know what was on Mary's mind while she was caring for Jesus as a little, helpless baby. Obviously, she needed no more proof than the virgin birth of Jesus to convince her that he was the Son of God. She cared for Jesus as his mother. She carried him in her womb. What a responsibility to care for God as a little baby boy. I want to remember what it feels like to care for my babies.

I want to remember that Jesus was born.. Sometimes I get so caught up in the fact that He died and was resurrected, but that birth part gets pushed aside! His birth was SO important in how He was born to a poor, unmarried, virgin girl.

Even though it's not "the real day" of Jesus' birth, I want to remember and celebrate that the Son of God put skin on and became a helpless little baby to be cared for by one of us.