Moving along

Recently, I have contemplated why I keep a blog. While anger, hurt, sadness, and pain have been the prominent state of mind since mid February, I had to take a step back and examine my motives of this place, as I often express my deepest feelings and hurt through writing up drafts.  It makes me feel a little bit better when I am able to articulate what is going on in my heart and mind. 

With much introspection, I realized that the main reason I keep a blog is to remember snippets of time in our journey as a family. I love the fact that I can look back 8 years and see pictures of our little family starting out with my pregnancy with Malachi-and through two more pregnancies, and all the ups and downs in between those babies. With this 4th baby, I don't want it to be any different. I want to remember how crazy it was that we were in the adoption process to bring our daughter home (and still are), and somehow God, in his goodness, has blessed us with another child to raise in him. Will this baby grow to have his/her daddy's nose, or mommys green eyes? I don't know, but I am over the moon excited to get to know them. 

We couldn't be more excited, and I want to remember this deep longing and joy that only God can give in the moments where we may feel overwhelmed. The midnight feedings (or maybe this kid will be a sleeper?). The endless diaper blowouts. The crying (Malachi is least looking forward to this). But that sweet baby will be so so loved, is already so so loved. Although we were caught by surprise, God was not-He knew. He knows this child. He knows exactly what he/she looks like, what they will be when they grow up, what color eyes and hair they have. 

Now that the shock is wearing off, I am going to make it a point to keep our journey updated so we can glance back at this point in our lives when all our kids are grown and we can't remember the chaos.
Here's our very first picture of this little baby that has taken up residency in my belly. Even at 5 weeks, this little heart was fluttering away at 124bpm. Recently, at our 10 week appointment, we were able to heart that sweet sign of life at 154bpm. It's surreal. I thought I'd be used to it by now, but no, it's a miracle and a blessing. Now that it's May, we can officially say we will find out who will be joining our family come November, just next month! 

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