What I have learned...

For about a year, I have felt God working and moving. At first I was excited about what that could look like, but it quickly became clear that He was rearranging my life in ways I could not see beneficial. That happens so often-I think I know what I need, but like a child of God, our Father knows better. I can understand clearly now what T.D. Jakes means in saying, "When God removes something he will replace it or become it in our lives".  I dug my heels in deep and tried to be unmoved, but when he continued stripping away the layers-the more exposed I was-raw and broken. I had been exposed for the hypocrite I had been and am-not putting my hope in Christ only. 

Psalm 146:3 is a gentle reminder not to put our hope in the people of this world, yet so often I have looked to others to fill me up. While they bring happiness to my heart, they (and I) are capable of causing unimaginable depths of hurt and disappointment too. Slowly, but surely people were absent in my life during some of the hardest times spiritually that I have ever endured-and the emotion began to build. I was not dealing with any of the hurt, rather shoving it down deep inside like a Jack in the Box. Eventually, it would all spring back up into my face and demand to be dealt with. There was hurt coming from so many areas that I did this without realizing. I had been long manipulated into thinking my feelings and hurts did not matter, so I should just ignore them. This also revealed who were true friends. For so long, I had felt like I had numerous real friendships. These hard times were sure to show that it was an illusion all along-that some these people I called friends were nothing more than acquaintances. 

For so long, I didn't talk about the things that hurt my heart, rather passive aggressively mentioned them. I asked too many questions when I should have been assertive. I often remain silent when I have been hurt. Even in talking to a couple close friends-I learned the hard way that you must choose wisely who you share your bleeding heart with. Because they may not have your best interest in mind, rather their own understanding. 

I have learned so much this past year that I thought I already understood. It is true for me that I connect better and have more compassion and understanding for others, when I have crawled through the storm. There is beauty in the process. One can offer advice, but it’s usually a shot in the dark without personal experience. 

I learned that it’s ok to say, “I’m sorry” and leave it there. That it’s probably best not to say anything different. There are others out there who are willing to share their experiences. This can offer such comfort to know that you aren’t alone. You don’t have to suffer silently. Someone has gone through what you have and walked a thousand miles in the tattered shoes before you. They have survived and are a living example. It’s people like this that can offer such encouragement. They are on the other side. 

I learned that if someone comes to you and tells you that they are hurt from your actions or words-it is good to examine yourself and apologize for that hurt you have caused-intentional or not. This is especially when others notice what you have done and confront you as well. You do not get to decide if someone is hurt. When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. 

I have learned that God may seem deafeningly silent, but it is in those times He is working too. Romans 5:8 "I loved you at your darkest”. I have been at my darkest this past year. He has loved me through it. No feelings of loneliness or anger I have, nothing I have said or done-will change this. 

I learned that some dub “Maturity” as ignoring that a person exists-(considering that the high road)-instead of dealing with issues and conflict. I would argue that maturity is the ability to put others above yourself and deal with conflict when it arrises rather than ignore a problem exists. I would also say that maturity is an on going process at which none of us will ever fully arrive. 

I learned that it’s ok not to be ok, but it’s not ok to stay that way.

I learned that if you love deeply, you're going to get hurt badly, but it's still worth it. (Thanks C.S. Lewis)

J.K. Rowling said rock bottom is the foundation on which [I ] built my life. That Rock on the bottom of my life-It's Jesus. I'm not quite sure what that looks like yet since I felt my life was previously erected on this spot, but I am trying to get there. 

I am thankful for what I have learned this past year-even through the pain and hurt, through the loneliness and depression, through the longing for the pain to be done away with. I am also thankful for the handful of people who have stood close by and offered a shoulder to cry on, advice, and love. 

For now, I am focusing on the many scriptures that can offer the only comfort. He says that He does not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. He never said it would be easy, but that He is with us as we endure. And enduring is the most important part.