The hard knocks of being a skeptic
I'm such a skeptic. It's who I am. I have an almost impossible time believing something is truth if I haven't experienced it myself first hand. This skepticism plays out everywhere. Sometimes I wish I weren't wired like this. Have you ever wished you weren't wired a certain way? It's truly a set up for failure. Instead of having the ability to learn from others, I am stuck in limbo between wanting to believe the validity in someone elses experience and having to experience it myself. It's not that I'd necessarily prefer to not believe, it's more that I must develop my own perceptions. Hands on experience.
I have had many friends who have lost a loved one. I could never understand their depth of hurt or pain. Although I felt sad for them, it goes much deeper than that. That person is no longer a phone call away. All the plans you had with them are ruined and the time it took to dream up those plans, wasted. What's left are the memories of them. You do not realize how tightly someone is woven into your life until they aren't there to weave themselves in anymore. I am left thinking about her all day long. Mostly happy memories. Sometimes they turn into sad ones because I can't just call her up and say, "Hey, do you remember when...". Still, even the shampoo and body wash I use take me back to being a 6 year old little girl, getting my hair washed by my Nanny-with the very same shampoo.
People say that it gets easier. I'm not so sure if I believe them. It's gotten easier not to cry because of the pain of missing her. Mostly because I think I have dried up my tear ducts for at least a year. It's easier to remember all the lovely memories I have, since my mind isn't over crowded with a fresh sense of loss. My throat is still usually tight-from using all my might not to be overcome with emotion when I hear a song she used to sing or see a White Chevy Lumina, or a maltese....
Malachi informed me about a week ago that "his grandma died". Indeed, she did-but where did he hear this? Him and a friend were talking about it. He is way more perceptive than I imagined. He understands death in shallow ways-like his lizard dying, or someone dying on television. I know the time will come when he will have to experience gut wrenching loss. Although I will most definitely pray that my children are protected from this pain, I know it is inevitable. Blame it on sin. Blame it on the cycle of life. Blame it on whatever-death is inevitable.
Will the pain of losing her get easier? I don't think so...but some say it does. But I'm a skeptic, so I kind of don't believe it. There's this space in my heart...and it's just full of memories now. It's not alive anymore. I miss it being alive. Nothing will ever be able to fill it. Just a gaping hole-a wound. Will it ever heal? I guess time will tell.
I have had many friends who have lost a loved one. I could never understand their depth of hurt or pain. Although I felt sad for them, it goes much deeper than that. That person is no longer a phone call away. All the plans you had with them are ruined and the time it took to dream up those plans, wasted. What's left are the memories of them. You do not realize how tightly someone is woven into your life until they aren't there to weave themselves in anymore. I am left thinking about her all day long. Mostly happy memories. Sometimes they turn into sad ones because I can't just call her up and say, "Hey, do you remember when...". Still, even the shampoo and body wash I use take me back to being a 6 year old little girl, getting my hair washed by my Nanny-with the very same shampoo.
People say that it gets easier. I'm not so sure if I believe them. It's gotten easier not to cry because of the pain of missing her. Mostly because I think I have dried up my tear ducts for at least a year. It's easier to remember all the lovely memories I have, since my mind isn't over crowded with a fresh sense of loss. My throat is still usually tight-from using all my might not to be overcome with emotion when I hear a song she used to sing or see a White Chevy Lumina, or a maltese....
Malachi informed me about a week ago that "his grandma died". Indeed, she did-but where did he hear this? Him and a friend were talking about it. He is way more perceptive than I imagined. He understands death in shallow ways-like his lizard dying, or someone dying on television. I know the time will come when he will have to experience gut wrenching loss. Although I will most definitely pray that my children are protected from this pain, I know it is inevitable. Blame it on sin. Blame it on the cycle of life. Blame it on whatever-death is inevitable.
Will the pain of losing her get easier? I don't think so...but some say it does. But I'm a skeptic, so I kind of don't believe it. There's this space in my heart...and it's just full of memories now. It's not alive anymore. I miss it being alive. Nothing will ever be able to fill it. Just a gaping hole-a wound. Will it ever heal? I guess time will tell.
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