Missing you

I wanted to call you and wish you a Merry Christmas. I wanted to call and just hear your voice, actually. I really miss you. The older I get, it seems that I have grasped the depth of loss. I had never experienced losing anyone before. You're so silent. Your memories flash through my mind and the sound of your voice-I hope and pray I always remember that distinct tone. The way you said "Buh-bye". The way you so lovingly called me "Meggie" or "Moo Moo" (short for "Meggie Moo"). How you apologized for not sending me a birthday card on time (because you were in the hospital). Little did I know that was the last card you'd send to anyone. You even still sent a Christmas package last year while you were in so much discomfort. I came across the clothes you sent the kids the other day and wanted to keep them forever. Charlie sent me your Chinese pin cushion. I immediately inhaled the fabric to try and catch your scent, but it has been too long. It didn't smell like you. Nothing smells like you. Sometimes I walk through a store and stand by someone with your perfume-"Obsession". It brings tears to my eyes because I miss you. Your ashes hang on my bathroom mirror. I see them everyday and think of you. I pray you're with Jesus and don't remember your pain. Right now the pain from losing you isn't so fresh or raw, but it's still deep. It's like there's a hole in my heart where your smell, touch, sound used to be. Now all that is there is memories. I hold them close and miss you.

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